EE arrives home at gone 9pm. I have shaved my legs especially.
Within ten minutes a ‘debate’ quickly descends into full on shouting (on my part) and a reddening face (his) . Never before has doping in athletics caused such a furore.
“I’m just saying it’s obvious why they are picking on Mo Farah but the only reason that they picked her results is because she’s pretty”.
EE will ‘debate’ that this is not what he said, but I say he did.
“No EE” I begin, trying to call off my inner raging feminist and failing miserably,
“I think you’ll find darling that it’s because she WON a GOLD medal in the women’s hockey and scored the winning FUCKING PENALTY” – this was an ad-lib, I have no idea who scored the winning penalty but it strengthens my argument so I deliver it as a fact – “NOT BECAUSE SHE IS EASY ON THE EYE!”
“I don’t mean that”
“Well what do you mean exactly? Because what you said was the only reason she is of any public interest is because of how she looks!”
EE knows it’s a trap. He also knows that I am always going to win this argument by default of having a vagina and him not. After trying in vein to scrabble together a reply in which he doesn’t come off as a misogynist he goes with,
“That’s not what I said, I apologise if that’s how it came across”.
Tense silence swallows the room. All eyes are hyper-focused on Tattoo Fixers like it’s the first time either of us has ever seen an idiot with a camel tattooed on their big toe. (it is the first time, who does that?).
A girl drops her trousers.
“What would you have done?”
“To cover up a mole like that.”
“What? On my arse?”
This is a big decision. “Oooh, I dunno, maybe, well … it would have to be feminine and nothing too big and certainly nothing too graphi…”
“I’d have The Coco Pop Monkey” EE interrupts.
“I’m sorry who?”
“Yeah the one off the adverts, you know… ‘We’d rather have a bowl of’… I’d have him swinging across my arse cheek and picking up the mole like a Coco Pop”. EE has clearly given this a lot of thought.
I congratulate us “We would be hilarious on Gogglebox”.